Today is the 1 year anniversary of my wife leaving me and the family. Strangely, I am not a bucket of tears, am not rending my garment, and so on...you get the idea. Actually, I feel no different than any other day, good or bad. Perhaps a bit to the good, actually...I know that despite all my faults, I have become a better man during the past year.
Anyway, here is a poem I literally just found this morning, in a book of Ellen Bryant Voigt poetry (a wonderful author, by the way). I wote it on September 6, 2011, during my separation from Tracy and the family when I was living in a homeless shelter (a story for another day). I had spent the day with my family at a place called Laurel Lake. The poem describes one of those perfect, idyllic moments that are sometimes referred to as "flashbulb memories" (for you younger folks, Google what a "flashbulb" is, if necessary). The term refers to moments that are so lovely,so perfect, that they are embedded permanently in our minds, memories, and souls. Anyway, come time travel with me to a sunny afternoon just about five years ago.
Laurel Lake (for Jonathan)
Not an extraordinary day in the long view --
the air is hot, the trees a deep majestic green, the sky
summerblue. My son and I splash in Laurel Lake
on a family afternoon. He is almost eleven,
living in the between that separates
childhood from everything after. The late afternoon
sunlight makes his face, for just a moment,
too beautiful for me to bear.
So I pick him up, hold him tightly to my chest,
look over his shoulder to hide my sudden, unbidden tears.
I tell him I love him, love him, love him --
three times for a blessing, and I have never
doubted my love less. He tells me
that he loves me too, and for a moment we are all
there is in the world, Alpha and Omega, father and son,
and my heart, beating hard only inches from his,
is reborn like Lazarus rising from the grave.
Holding him this way, I realize, amazed,
and perhaps for the first time,
how much of my life
I have wasted on grief.
Kevin Robert Mills
September 6, 2011
I'm probably the last person you want to hear from, but you need to realize that you deserve much better than this ex-wife. I know this person, and believe me, you deserve much better. I think once you realize this, things will be 100% better for you.
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